Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
