Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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