In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
