youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
