Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
