how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
