i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
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I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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