dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
