you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize