false alarm. still invincible.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
