My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
