What did we do last night that was yellow?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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