I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
