nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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