Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
