ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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