Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
