In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
