mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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