ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Yo dont text me then not text me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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