If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
