I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
