I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
