You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
