did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize