watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
