I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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