i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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