I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
