I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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