So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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