where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
