speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
