you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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