dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
