I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
