just tell him i said nine months
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
