I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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