I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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