Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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