New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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