I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
