I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
