Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
