bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
