Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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