sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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