I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
