who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Damn victory sex feels great
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
