i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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