It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
