smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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