So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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