I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
