I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Randomize
