Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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