ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
