I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
