New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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