you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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