when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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